I know you hate missing everyone's important status updates on Facebook, so I thought I'd keep an eye on things and give you a little summary of what's been going on. Here's a brief sort of survey for you, a random selection of status updates to make you feel as if you haven't missed social media at all. You're welcome!
"Cats are awesome."
"Guns are horrible."
"I'm so funny/crazy!"
"I don't care what you think of me, no, really, I don't, for real."
"I sure do like to drink!"
"I am tolerant of people not like me."
"I hate everyone, and if I could get away with murdering you all, I would."
"Did I mention, I love to drink!"
"I am lonely and miserable and will regret posting this."
"The world is beautiful and nothing bad can happen if you RAINBOW"
There you go. Rest assured, if you ever have to endure another long absence from Facebook, these are the updates you are missing. Hopefully, you'll make it through.