Sunday, February 3, 2013
Letter to a Jack-Ass
Last year I wrote a very positive review on Amazon of a Kindle short I really enjoyed. Didn't think much about the review after that. But a few days ago I happened to be looking over the stuff I'd written there and came across a comment about my review:
"I find it hard to believe you or anyone can get this fired up over 20 pages of writing... I think we have another paid reviewer here or a publishers pogue, family member etc... this gushy kind of review which sounds like you didnt read the 20 pages to begin with only makes the value of reviews on amazon less and less."
The first emotion I felt upon reading this comment was... rage. Oh, it pissed me off. I thought about responding, but wasn't sure what I wanted to say. Even after I'd formed some words about it in my mind, I realized that responding directly would be a fruitless endeavor. Does the world really need another thread on Amazon with two guys insulting each other? Nah.
And hey, it occurred to me... I have a blog, yeah? I can vent my annoyance there. Right on.
I thank you for your unsolicited review of my review. It's gratifying to know that my enjoyment of the short story in question is of such interest to you. I can only assume you didn't like the story? I'm uncertain, because you've left no review yourself, good or bad, only this slightly mealy-mouthed reply to my review.
But I see from looking over the reviews you HAVE done here that you are committed almost exclusively to the old "one-star" approach. I wonder, do you actually hate everything you read THAT much? Or are the one-star reviews meant to illustrate your incorruptibility as a reviewer? Your high, high standards?
I have to wonder why you bother to read anything at all, if 98% of it displeases you so much.
Regardless, I'm sure the publishing world and the writers you sneer and "meh" at so dismissively are glad you exist. After all, the world desperately needs more people whose sole function is to pass uninformed judgement. You perform a valuable service, sir, and don't let anyone else tell you differently. Writers, in particular, need solid evidence that the world is full of assholes ready to savage their work for no very good reason.
I should explain something about the way I do "reviews". Since I'm not a professional reviewer, I'm at liberty to approach them in any way I see fit. So this is my approach: if I don't like a book, I don't mention it. Nope, I don't say a word about it. Why? Because I'm not cool with the idea of tearing down the hard work of a writer (something you clearly have no problem with, despite the fact that your reviews are all uninformative, snarky, and very poorly written; I mean no insult by this, I just thought you should know).
On the other hand, I tend to be highly enthusiastic about books I like. Hence my positive comments on this Kindle short you are so annoyed I liked. I actually get excited about fun stories. This may seem odd to such a cynical and sophisticated mind as yours, I understand that.
Anyway, I suppose I should wrap this missive up. Thank you again for making sure your pompousness and insulting arrogance insinuated its way into my world, if only for a moment. Make no mistake, sir, that I'd very much like to punch you in the teeth.
Fuck you sincerely,